Wingman Commentary!

Wing a Ding Ding!

According to answers.com, the definition of a wingman is, “A pilot whose plane is positioned behind and outside the leader in a formation of flying aircraft.” From the Online Slang Dictionary, the definition of a wingman is, “A best friend, side kick, partner in crime. Usually the guy who takes one for the team and talks you up to someone you’re interested in.”



Now, THAT’s the kind of wingman I’m talking about… although, a guy who is a pilot and still my partner in crime could be kinda perfect. Just sayin’…


However, that is not how my wingman situation went the other night. A group of friends walked into an establishment and one of my supposed wingmen walked up to a group of guys we didn’t know, one of whom was quite the “Gert kind of guy!” So I marched my little behind right on over there and quickly introduced myself. We were having a nice conversation and flirting and there was even a little arm touching by both of us to both of us. Nice.


When all of a sudden my wingman became a serious other kind of animal with wings, one of the rooster persuasion perhaps? He came and stood right between and busted up the situation. When I asked him, “Um, what the H-E-double toothpicks are you doing?” He replied that I would probably get a disease from him. Really? These days with the swine flu, I could probably get a disease from just about anyone.


Now I realize he was just being protective, but it’s been awhile since I’ve actually been attracted to someone in an establishment who certainly didn’t look or act freakish, so I cry fowl on this one. I’m not too chicken to be bold and make a move.


All I’m saying is next time you leave the hen house, be careful whom you select as your wingman. It should be someone that actually wants to help you find some new poultry. Not someone who blocks your way through the barn yard.


Cock-a-doodle-doo! It’s time to fly…

JERRY-atric

So one of my dearest friends was in town and I decided to take him out to some of my favorite haunts and let him get a feel for the night life here. We had a lovely dinner with friends and then he and I set off on our adventure. We walk into my favorite establishment and see two empty seats at the bar. So, we belly up and order.

We’re scoping out the scene and just getting acclimated. I send him to the juke box to play Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” (a must-hear in this smoky venue.) While he’s gone, I’m looking around and realize that the guy to my immediate left is staring at me. I introduce myself and he says his name is “Jerry.” I say, “Well hello, Jerry!” He immediately asks me if my friend and I are married, to which I honestly respond “No.”

He proceeds to engage both of us in some harmless chatter, but everyone must be quiet while I pay homage to Johnny Cash and sing out loud (it would be almost sacrilegious to do otherwise.) Then, Jerry wastes no time in launching back into conversation and telling us about his golf game, wife, kids, etc. All just easy bar room banter.

Just about that time, my friend has to visit the little boy’s room. No worries… I feel totally safe with this harmless older gentleman with the big fat gold band on his left hand. That was, until he starts rubbing all up and down the side of me. Um, what?

I look at him and I ask, “What in the hell are you doing?” and he responds with, “Well you are just so fun and funny… I thought you might like to have some fun with me?” Really? I don’t think so, Jerry.

It’s time to go now… so my friend and I leave. Jerry needs to go home too… to his wife and kids and his golf game. It’s not easy to make a hole-in-one with me.

Next?

His Mama Didn't Raise Him Right!

So I'm online last week on a new site and one of the first guys to wink at me is a young guy. I know I joke about being a cougar, but even this guy was too young for me. Anyways, he seemed very nice and enthusiastic, so I figured a little harmless online flirting was okay. So, we email back and forth and I mention how I just lost a lot of weight and so the dating scene is different for me now. So, he asks if I would send a couple more pictures. So, I do. Then he emails back and asks if I would send pictures from now... after I've lost weight. WOW! Really? Did your mama not teach you any manners? Those pictures had just been taken last weekend. Yikes! I kinda felt like I had been punched. Suffice it to say... we are no longer emailing. If you're not sure of a situation... don't say anything! It's like when someone goes up to an overweight woman and asks her when she's due and she's not pregnant. Not okay! Awkward! Time to get away... away to an etiquette class! But there is hope...

So today I'm walking into an office building and the security guard is no more than 25, adorable and just smiling. I say hi and show him my I.D. and he starts looking behind me and all around me. I was a little confused. So, then he says, "Where's your body guards?" I say "Huh?" and continue to look confused. And he says, "Um yah... EVERY super model needs body guards!" AWWWWWWW... Now HIS mama raised him right! He put a smile on my face that has lasted all day. When you're sweet like that, you can own the world! Hope someone makes you smile this week!

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,

Wouldn't it be great if married guys would actually wear their wedding rings and talk about their wives and kids? School pictures are an especially lovely added touch.

I'm just saying... just because a guy leaves his zip code doesn't make it okay for him to act like he's big pimping!

Single girls like me need signs, symbols and signals. If we start getting signals and think it's okay to begin the flirt fest, then the next thing we look for is a symbol, i.e. the lil "circle of trust" that should be on his left hand but isn't. If we think he's single and he's giving off the right signals, then we want to hear what his sign is (in this case, his sign is "STOP.) If we get all that and then come to find out that he ran the stop sign to travel down another pathway, that just ain't right, baby!

To quote Beyonce... "you shoulda put a ring on it"... and left it there.

Next please...

Theme Party!

So... I'm cruising along on my little weight loss journey and really, the people who came out of the wood work were just amazingly unique.

I get a call one Sunday morning from an acquaintance inviting me to a Sunday Funday party at his house. Awesome! I am in and all about Sunday Funday!

And then I ask about what I should bring and what the apparel is for the party. Is it a pool party? Theme party? Brunch? What exactly is the sitch? If you guys know me, you know I am that girl who always has her own sense of style and want to be dressed appropriately for the occasion, especially if it a theme party! I have plenty of cool, crazy accessories!

Well, the response is not exactly what I'm expecting. Turns out that clothing is optional and although it is a beautiful day, there won't be any activities in the pool until after dark. A strange version of Marco Polo, perhaps? Wow.

So I let my potential party host know that I am not really into THAT kind of theme party. I LIKE to shop at the party store and buy decor. And I'm really MUCH more into one-on-one conversations than group activities of that nature.

However, it was a compliment for a girl of my former size to actually be invited to that kind of party (I had to spin it somehow.) I decided to go to brunch with my friends instead. I felt like eggs and bloody marys were much more my Sunday Funday theme situation.

After brunch, we walked over to the local playground. Now, those are MY kind of swing(ers)!

And the invitations continue. Stay tuned...

Stirring Up Some Fun! Spring 2009

Meanwhile, I got another hit on my profile. As luck would have it, it was from a guy who I had dated about five years ago. He was a nice guy and we had shared our love of sports, so that was our commonality. He had moved out of the area but was now back and had decided to see if he could find me on a site. He was amazed by how I looked as he had no idea about the weight loss surgery. So, we email and exchange numbers and he calls about a week later to ask me out for drinks.

So we decide to meet at a local establishment at an appointed time. We’re both on time and we order cocktails and settle in to catch up. We end up there for a couple of hours and three rounds of cocktails.

Anyways, we’re catching up and telling stories and I can tell the chemistry is still there for both parties, so this is cool!

Um yah, until the end when he’s about to walk me to my car. That’s when he decides to drop his little bomb. He wants me to know that he’s still very attracted to me, but that he now has a serious girlfriend out of state. However, they have an open relationship and until she moves here, he wants to cook something up with me. Really? Come on now! How nice to have your cake and eat it too. That’s why I call him "The Baker." He wants all the cream puffs in the case and can’t choose just one. No way.

So I'm off to find a new recipe for love... hopefully one with a lil more sugar and not a straying rolling pin. Next ...

Pump Patrol -- Summer 2009

Okay so I was online this summer and received a little interest message from a cute guy who lives about 30 miles from me. We messaged for a few weeks back and forth and then he asked for my number so we chatted a few times and texted as well (I am a mad texter as most of you know!)

So, it was going well and we had determined that we would have our first date the following weekend since he had his little boy this weekend. All good, I'm thinking!

He texted me all weekend and even sent me a couple pictures of him and his little one, so I knew he was having a good time with him and I was glad he wanted to share that with me. On Sunday after dropping his little boy off, he called me and I could tell he was a little down and was already missing him. So, I told him that I was just hanging out and watching a movie if he wanted to come by and hang out for a bit so he didn't have to go home to an empty house.

He said that he thought that was a great idea and he would really like to do that. He just had one question for me... since I lived 30 miles from him, would I mind giving him gas money to come over? Um what? Seriously? Yoy!

Yes, yes... ladies and gentlemen... I cannot make this up. I think I'll get better mileage elsewhere, so I'm moving on down the road.

Stay tuned...

Pulling my leg! Summer 2009

So... was still doing the online situation when I got a message from a cute guy. Awesome! I checked out his profile and at first was pleasantly surprised. Nice looking guy! Cute face and he had two kids (pics blacked out, but at least I knew he was a daddy!) So, the profile showed that there were several pics though. I clicked through. First couple pics were of his cute face, so I was getting more and more interested until... oh yah. And then there was the kiss of death... not the Kodak moment I had ever hoped for.

His next picture was of him in a beautiful red dress with black hose and heels. Um, what? So I'm thinking that this must be a joke... maybe even a Halloween costume. So, I nervously giggle as I click through to the last picture.

And there he is in a lovely black frock with matching hose and heels. And I must say... very fashionistaly accessorized.

Seriously? OMG, people. I CANNOT ever date a guy who looks better in hose and heels than I do. Just sayin'... He totally had a leg up on me. For real. Ugh.

Onto the next adventure...

Summer 2009 -- 3-for-1's

Some friends invite me out for happy hour on a Friday night. I have no plans and would love to catch up with them so I happily agree. Then I ask where we’re meeting and it’s a club downtown where you can get 3-for-1’s on Friday nights. Oh boy … that’s a recipe for a freak fondue!

So, I join them there after they’ve been holed up in a booth for an hour already. They were well on their way to having a good time. I joined them and ordered a cocktail and began to have fun and catch up.

The first thing I noticed is that there was quite a diverse crowd in residence that evening. Diverse in ages, races, sizes, etc. A veritable cornucopia of individuals all brought together with a common goal … 3-for-1’s!

We were seated up on a landing and to my left, I noticed two older gentlemen. I also noticed one of them noticing me. You could tell they were entertaining themselves people watching but he and I had the peripheral vision vibe going.

My friends began to play this game (and I’m cloaking the name a bit because of the words involved) “Snuff, Snag or Shag” where you pick three people everyone knows (famous, infamous, local, historical, whatever) and you have to decide who you would marry, sleep with or get rid of. Anyways, it’s kinda funny. So, we play a couple rounds of the game and we are laughing hysterically and people are noticing what a good time we’re having and turning around to comment and smile.

I decide I must visit the ladies’ room. So, I head that way … passing by my peripheral vision vicar. I’m washing my hands and some girl with short hair comments on how much she loves my hair and I thank her and compliment her hair as well. We chat for a couple minutes and she asks if she can have a hug. Well, I think nothing of it because I’m a hugger and so I say sure. We hug and she proceeds to plaster her face against the side of my neck and tell me “Oh, you smell so goooooood!” I pull away and make my exit pretty quickly without offending her and head back to my friends with my eyes looking like a deer in the headlights. Yoy … sniffer alert!

On my way back, I decide to introduce myself to the cute peripheral vision vicar who’s the people watcher. So, I walk right up and stand between the two gentlemen and ask them what is so mesmerizing. They proceed to describe all of the characters they are watching and how they’ve made up names and scenarios for each of them. Their storytelling is hilarious and I am interested. But, alas … I hear my feeling-no-pain friends calling my name from the booth.

So I head back there and when I get there these three hot young guys are sitting in my booth spot. So, I nicely and in a flirtatious way, tell them to get out of my seat. They do. But, they said that they heard we were playing an interesting game and since there were three of them, did I want to play “Snuff, Snag or Shag” with them? I didn’t. I mean they were all very cute, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. They insist. So, I pick the skinniest one and told him that if anything ever happened, chances are I could actually do physical damage to him because even though I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m still a meaty girl. The other two were interchangeable because with the rules of this game, I was getting lucky either way. They laugh and I tell them to have a great evening. They kept walking by and flirting with us, but taking any steps in that direction would definitely have put me in the “Cougar Category.”

So, I keep flitting back and forth between my new people watching friends and my real friends just to keep it interesting. Finally the guy I like asks for my number, so I give it to him. He’s cute; he’s funny and most importantly he’s my age. While I’m chatting with him, a young attractive couple approaches me and asks if they can talk to me. Of course, I say. So they proceed to tell me that they’ve been observing me all night and think that I am the hottest older woman in the place. Really? I’ve looked around and I am quite sure that is not the case, but I allow them to continue with this storyline. I thank the girlfriend and say something smart alecky like, “Why thank you! What do I win?” Bad move, Gertie, because she says, “Whatever You Want.” Oh no. Really? So that’s what 3-for-1’s really means!

I thank her for her interest and she kind of leans into me and says, “Oh my gosh … you smell so goooood!” Yikes! And we have a theme, ladies and gentlemen!

I decide I’ve had enough entertainment for one evening and from the looks of it, my friends have too. So, we decide to call it a night. They go one way to head back to their parking garage. I had cabbed it so I head up the block to catch a cab home and my new people watching friend catches up with me and asks if he can walk with me and wait until I’m safely in the cab. Um yes… chivalry is NOT dead. I’m very intrigued by this guy.

So, my cab drives up and he asks if he can have a hug and of course I give him one. I had told him all of the antics that had unfolded that night so he says to me, “Oh my gosh … you smell so gooooood!” We both laugh and I go home with this huge grin on my face. I had finally met a cute, funny guy.

Obviously his evening didn’t end as well as I am sure that aliens abducted him from the face of the earth since my phone never rang. I smell something “not so gooooood” … like a rat. Oh well. Onto the next adventure!

Recent Post - Summer 2009

So I decide to attend a meeting with many marketing people ... ya'know... my kinda folks. Not a shy bone in the room. Anyways, the networking begins and it's all good. No judgements and lots of great info sharing among the group.

After the day time sessions, the evening fun begins with dinner, lots of wine and fun karaoke and entertainment. Everyone is bonding and having a great time!

One gentleman decides he has taken a special interest in me and while he's very nice, he's not really my type. But, from what I've been through, I would never want to make anyone feel bad about themselves, so I am the good listener as he tells me about his ex-wife and how he hasn't had sex in awhile (can you say TMI?) He then proceeds to tell me that he suffers from erectile dysfunction (oh God... here we go.) But that I have nothing to worry about because he has discovered Viagra.

Really? OMG. I guess things really are looking UP for him.

Not for me though. Not so much. NGB... (Nice Guy, But...)

Oh, let's see. Next in line, please. Stay tuned!

Archived Post One from summer 2008 - Meet Mr. Fetish

So, a few friends were doing the online thing. I figure I was presentable looking enough now that I could actually post a profile and see what happens. It couldn’t hurt. My one friend was booking back-to-back drinks/dinners with hottie guys, and was loving life. I was tired of living vicariously through my friends, so I took the plunge and posted a profile. BUT, I didn’t feel harmonious and I only use matches to light Yankee candles in my house, so I found a profile for bigger peeps. Even though I had lost 160 pounds, I was still big. I didn’t want my self esteem to come crashing down by having some jerk on one of the beautiful people sites send me a mean wink. So, I picked a site where I was comfy.

Nothing happened for a couple days although I did check out the profiles. That is a lot like catalog shopping on the internet. Holy crap… it’s surreal. I’ll take one of you and accessorize with one of you and if you don’t fit, I’ll return you and pick one of him. Anyways, I winked at a couple of people, but nothing much happened.

I did see one guy though who I thought was pretty cute. My type. Tall, big boy with a great smile and a humorous profile. But, according to his profile, he wasn’t too interested in my age group. So, I made no attempt to wink. A couple days went by and I got an email from the site that I have a wink waiting. Hot dog! I go online and check it out and it’s him. Wow… super cool! So, I respond and we begin chatting and he is really funny. This IS fun! About a week goes by and I’m totally digging this guy. We’ll call him “Fetish Frank.” That'll be important in a minute.

We’re moving in the direction to make plans to meet when he drops a little bomb on me. He tells me that we HAVE to talk (kiss of death!) He says he thinks I’m beautiful and that he wants to be my little bitch and wants me to humiliate him. He then proceeds to list the ways he would like me to do that. Huh? WTF, man? Want to hear what he wanted me to do to him? Of course you do because this kind of weirdness doesn’t happen in real life, does it? Trust me, my friends. This IS my life. I am a freak magnet. Anyways, I digress. Here’s the list of what he wants me to do to him, and I quote:

"Spread jelly all over my body and make me lick it off myself."
(Really? I did mention he was a big boy, right? How much effing time does he think I have to accomplish this task? And where in the hell am I getting that much jelly? I’m not going to be responsible for the demise of that many grapes. I gotta get myself out of this jam!)

"Put make-up on me and make me dress up in a tutu and dance for you."
(Come on now. I’ve suffered through some shitty dance recitals in my life, but this is just too much!)

"Put a dog collar on me and make me get down on all fours and bark and lick your toes." (I have a dog and he doesn’t even do that for me. I’m certainly not asking a grown man to do that.)

So… after my shock and surprise wore off, I responded by telling him that although I do like to experiment, this was a little too nutty for me and I was too nice to do those things. He responded that he could not change who he was. Nor would I want him to. However, I did not need to be involved in all that. Wow. So, this is internet dating, huh? I couldn’t wait to see what else was going to crawl out to meet me.

Welcome to the Weirdness!

Hi there! Welcome to Gert's Blog! Here's the background. I had weight loss surgery in December 2007 and since then have lost 200 pounds... literally half of me. Since then, I have had interesting encounters with some odd, creepy, harmless and entertaining characters almost every day. It's amazing how freaky people will locate me in a crowd and feel the need to check in... almost like I'm the customs officer flying the freak flag so they'll all know how to find me and get their passport stamped. I tell crazy stories to my friends and they say that these things can only happen to me. I've decided to journal these adventures in this blog so that normal people can feel better about their lives and maybe get a little giggle. If nothing else, it's therapeutic for me to write some of this down. I figure that in the end, it'll become fodder for my second book (I published my first in 2006, which is still available on amazon.com ... a serious personal plug, but just sayin' ...)

So each week... watch for a recent blog entry as well as an archived entry (I've had almost two years' worth of experiences, for God's sake!)

Enjoy and thanks for reading along! If anyone knows a normal guy that they'd like to set me up with, please make the call ... I have plenty of stories to tell while I have a decent encounter! :)