Summer 2009 -- 3-for-1's

Some friends invite me out for happy hour on a Friday night. I have no plans and would love to catch up with them so I happily agree. Then I ask where we’re meeting and it’s a club downtown where you can get 3-for-1’s on Friday nights. Oh boy … that’s a recipe for a freak fondue!

So, I join them there after they’ve been holed up in a booth for an hour already. They were well on their way to having a good time. I joined them and ordered a cocktail and began to have fun and catch up.

The first thing I noticed is that there was quite a diverse crowd in residence that evening. Diverse in ages, races, sizes, etc. A veritable cornucopia of individuals all brought together with a common goal … 3-for-1’s!

We were seated up on a landing and to my left, I noticed two older gentlemen. I also noticed one of them noticing me. You could tell they were entertaining themselves people watching but he and I had the peripheral vision vibe going.

My friends began to play this game (and I’m cloaking the name a bit because of the words involved) “Snuff, Snag or Shag” where you pick three people everyone knows (famous, infamous, local, historical, whatever) and you have to decide who you would marry, sleep with or get rid of. Anyways, it’s kinda funny. So, we play a couple rounds of the game and we are laughing hysterically and people are noticing what a good time we’re having and turning around to comment and smile.

I decide I must visit the ladies’ room. So, I head that way … passing by my peripheral vision vicar. I’m washing my hands and some girl with short hair comments on how much she loves my hair and I thank her and compliment her hair as well. We chat for a couple minutes and she asks if she can have a hug. Well, I think nothing of it because I’m a hugger and so I say sure. We hug and she proceeds to plaster her face against the side of my neck and tell me “Oh, you smell so goooooood!” I pull away and make my exit pretty quickly without offending her and head back to my friends with my eyes looking like a deer in the headlights. Yoy … sniffer alert!

On my way back, I decide to introduce myself to the cute peripheral vision vicar who’s the people watcher. So, I walk right up and stand between the two gentlemen and ask them what is so mesmerizing. They proceed to describe all of the characters they are watching and how they’ve made up names and scenarios for each of them. Their storytelling is hilarious and I am interested. But, alas … I hear my feeling-no-pain friends calling my name from the booth.

So I head back there and when I get there these three hot young guys are sitting in my booth spot. So, I nicely and in a flirtatious way, tell them to get out of my seat. They do. But, they said that they heard we were playing an interesting game and since there were three of them, did I want to play “Snuff, Snag or Shag” with them? I didn’t. I mean they were all very cute, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. They insist. So, I pick the skinniest one and told him that if anything ever happened, chances are I could actually do physical damage to him because even though I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m still a meaty girl. The other two were interchangeable because with the rules of this game, I was getting lucky either way. They laugh and I tell them to have a great evening. They kept walking by and flirting with us, but taking any steps in that direction would definitely have put me in the “Cougar Category.”

So, I keep flitting back and forth between my new people watching friends and my real friends just to keep it interesting. Finally the guy I like asks for my number, so I give it to him. He’s cute; he’s funny and most importantly he’s my age. While I’m chatting with him, a young attractive couple approaches me and asks if they can talk to me. Of course, I say. So they proceed to tell me that they’ve been observing me all night and think that I am the hottest older woman in the place. Really? I’ve looked around and I am quite sure that is not the case, but I allow them to continue with this storyline. I thank the girlfriend and say something smart alecky like, “Why thank you! What do I win?” Bad move, Gertie, because she says, “Whatever You Want.” Oh no. Really? So that’s what 3-for-1’s really means!

I thank her for her interest and she kind of leans into me and says, “Oh my gosh … you smell so goooood!” Yikes! And we have a theme, ladies and gentlemen!

I decide I’ve had enough entertainment for one evening and from the looks of it, my friends have too. So, we decide to call it a night. They go one way to head back to their parking garage. I had cabbed it so I head up the block to catch a cab home and my new people watching friend catches up with me and asks if he can walk with me and wait until I’m safely in the cab. Um yes… chivalry is NOT dead. I’m very intrigued by this guy.

So, my cab drives up and he asks if he can have a hug and of course I give him one. I had told him all of the antics that had unfolded that night so he says to me, “Oh my gosh … you smell so gooooood!” We both laugh and I go home with this huge grin on my face. I had finally met a cute, funny guy.

Obviously his evening didn’t end as well as I am sure that aliens abducted him from the face of the earth since my phone never rang. I smell something “not so gooooood” … like a rat. Oh well. Onto the next adventure!

Recent Post - Summer 2009

So I decide to attend a meeting with many marketing people ... ya'know... my kinda folks. Not a shy bone in the room. Anyways, the networking begins and it's all good. No judgements and lots of great info sharing among the group.

After the day time sessions, the evening fun begins with dinner, lots of wine and fun karaoke and entertainment. Everyone is bonding and having a great time!

One gentleman decides he has taken a special interest in me and while he's very nice, he's not really my type. But, from what I've been through, I would never want to make anyone feel bad about themselves, so I am the good listener as he tells me about his ex-wife and how he hasn't had sex in awhile (can you say TMI?) He then proceeds to tell me that he suffers from erectile dysfunction (oh God... here we go.) But that I have nothing to worry about because he has discovered Viagra.

Really? OMG. I guess things really are looking UP for him.

Not for me though. Not so much. NGB... (Nice Guy, But...)

Oh, let's see. Next in line, please. Stay tuned!

Archived Post One from summer 2008 - Meet Mr. Fetish

So, a few friends were doing the online thing. I figure I was presentable looking enough now that I could actually post a profile and see what happens. It couldn’t hurt. My one friend was booking back-to-back drinks/dinners with hottie guys, and was loving life. I was tired of living vicariously through my friends, so I took the plunge and posted a profile. BUT, I didn’t feel harmonious and I only use matches to light Yankee candles in my house, so I found a profile for bigger peeps. Even though I had lost 160 pounds, I was still big. I didn’t want my self esteem to come crashing down by having some jerk on one of the beautiful people sites send me a mean wink. So, I picked a site where I was comfy.

Nothing happened for a couple days although I did check out the profiles. That is a lot like catalog shopping on the internet. Holy crap… it’s surreal. I’ll take one of you and accessorize with one of you and if you don’t fit, I’ll return you and pick one of him. Anyways, I winked at a couple of people, but nothing much happened.

I did see one guy though who I thought was pretty cute. My type. Tall, big boy with a great smile and a humorous profile. But, according to his profile, he wasn’t too interested in my age group. So, I made no attempt to wink. A couple days went by and I got an email from the site that I have a wink waiting. Hot dog! I go online and check it out and it’s him. Wow… super cool! So, I respond and we begin chatting and he is really funny. This IS fun! About a week goes by and I’m totally digging this guy. We’ll call him “Fetish Frank.” That'll be important in a minute.

We’re moving in the direction to make plans to meet when he drops a little bomb on me. He tells me that we HAVE to talk (kiss of death!) He says he thinks I’m beautiful and that he wants to be my little bitch and wants me to humiliate him. He then proceeds to list the ways he would like me to do that. Huh? WTF, man? Want to hear what he wanted me to do to him? Of course you do because this kind of weirdness doesn’t happen in real life, does it? Trust me, my friends. This IS my life. I am a freak magnet. Anyways, I digress. Here’s the list of what he wants me to do to him, and I quote:

"Spread jelly all over my body and make me lick it off myself."
(Really? I did mention he was a big boy, right? How much effing time does he think I have to accomplish this task? And where in the hell am I getting that much jelly? I’m not going to be responsible for the demise of that many grapes. I gotta get myself out of this jam!)

"Put make-up on me and make me dress up in a tutu and dance for you."
(Come on now. I’ve suffered through some shitty dance recitals in my life, but this is just too much!)

"Put a dog collar on me and make me get down on all fours and bark and lick your toes." (I have a dog and he doesn’t even do that for me. I’m certainly not asking a grown man to do that.)

So… after my shock and surprise wore off, I responded by telling him that although I do like to experiment, this was a little too nutty for me and I was too nice to do those things. He responded that he could not change who he was. Nor would I want him to. However, I did not need to be involved in all that. Wow. So, this is internet dating, huh? I couldn’t wait to see what else was going to crawl out to meet me.

Welcome to the Weirdness!

Hi there! Welcome to Gert's Blog! Here's the background. I had weight loss surgery in December 2007 and since then have lost 200 pounds... literally half of me. Since then, I have had interesting encounters with some odd, creepy, harmless and entertaining characters almost every day. It's amazing how freaky people will locate me in a crowd and feel the need to check in... almost like I'm the customs officer flying the freak flag so they'll all know how to find me and get their passport stamped. I tell crazy stories to my friends and they say that these things can only happen to me. I've decided to journal these adventures in this blog so that normal people can feel better about their lives and maybe get a little giggle. If nothing else, it's therapeutic for me to write some of this down. I figure that in the end, it'll become fodder for my second book (I published my first in 2006, which is still available on amazon.com ... a serious personal plug, but just sayin' ...)

So each week... watch for a recent blog entry as well as an archived entry (I've had almost two years' worth of experiences, for God's sake!)

Enjoy and thanks for reading along! If anyone knows a normal guy that they'd like to set me up with, please make the call ... I have plenty of stories to tell while I have a decent encounter! :)