JERRY-atric

So one of my dearest friends was in town and I decided to take him out to some of my favorite haunts and let him get a feel for the night life here. We had a lovely dinner with friends and then he and I set off on our adventure. We walk into my favorite establishment and see two empty seats at the bar. So, we belly up and order.

We’re scoping out the scene and just getting acclimated. I send him to the juke box to play Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” (a must-hear in this smoky venue.) While he’s gone, I’m looking around and realize that the guy to my immediate left is staring at me. I introduce myself and he says his name is “Jerry.” I say, “Well hello, Jerry!” He immediately asks me if my friend and I are married, to which I honestly respond “No.”

He proceeds to engage both of us in some harmless chatter, but everyone must be quiet while I pay homage to Johnny Cash and sing out loud (it would be almost sacrilegious to do otherwise.) Then, Jerry wastes no time in launching back into conversation and telling us about his golf game, wife, kids, etc. All just easy bar room banter.

Just about that time, my friend has to visit the little boy’s room. No worries… I feel totally safe with this harmless older gentleman with the big fat gold band on his left hand. That was, until he starts rubbing all up and down the side of me. Um, what?

I look at him and I ask, “What in the hell are you doing?” and he responds with, “Well you are just so fun and funny… I thought you might like to have some fun with me?” Really? I don’t think so, Jerry.

It’s time to go now… so my friend and I leave. Jerry needs to go home too… to his wife and kids and his golf game. It’s not easy to make a hole-in-one with me.

Next?

His Mama Didn't Raise Him Right!

So I'm online last week on a new site and one of the first guys to wink at me is a young guy. I know I joke about being a cougar, but even this guy was too young for me. Anyways, he seemed very nice and enthusiastic, so I figured a little harmless online flirting was okay. So, we email back and forth and I mention how I just lost a lot of weight and so the dating scene is different for me now. So, he asks if I would send a couple more pictures. So, I do. Then he emails back and asks if I would send pictures from now... after I've lost weight. WOW! Really? Did your mama not teach you any manners? Those pictures had just been taken last weekend. Yikes! I kinda felt like I had been punched. Suffice it to say... we are no longer emailing. If you're not sure of a situation... don't say anything! It's like when someone goes up to an overweight woman and asks her when she's due and she's not pregnant. Not okay! Awkward! Time to get away... away to an etiquette class! But there is hope...

So today I'm walking into an office building and the security guard is no more than 25, adorable and just smiling. I say hi and show him my I.D. and he starts looking behind me and all around me. I was a little confused. So, then he says, "Where's your body guards?" I say "Huh?" and continue to look confused. And he says, "Um yah... EVERY super model needs body guards!" AWWWWWWW... Now HIS mama raised him right! He put a smile on my face that has lasted all day. When you're sweet like that, you can own the world! Hope someone makes you smile this week!

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,

Wouldn't it be great if married guys would actually wear their wedding rings and talk about their wives and kids? School pictures are an especially lovely added touch.

I'm just saying... just because a guy leaves his zip code doesn't make it okay for him to act like he's big pimping!

Single girls like me need signs, symbols and signals. If we start getting signals and think it's okay to begin the flirt fest, then the next thing we look for is a symbol, i.e. the lil "circle of trust" that should be on his left hand but isn't. If we think he's single and he's giving off the right signals, then we want to hear what his sign is (in this case, his sign is "STOP.) If we get all that and then come to find out that he ran the stop sign to travel down another pathway, that just ain't right, baby!

To quote Beyonce... "you shoulda put a ring on it"... and left it there.

Next please...