Archived Post One from summer 2008 - Meet Mr. Fetish

So, a few friends were doing the online thing. I figure I was presentable looking enough now that I could actually post a profile and see what happens. It couldn’t hurt. My one friend was booking back-to-back drinks/dinners with hottie guys, and was loving life. I was tired of living vicariously through my friends, so I took the plunge and posted a profile. BUT, I didn’t feel harmonious and I only use matches to light Yankee candles in my house, so I found a profile for bigger peeps. Even though I had lost 160 pounds, I was still big. I didn’t want my self esteem to come crashing down by having some jerk on one of the beautiful people sites send me a mean wink. So, I picked a site where I was comfy.

Nothing happened for a couple days although I did check out the profiles. That is a lot like catalog shopping on the internet. Holy crap… it’s surreal. I’ll take one of you and accessorize with one of you and if you don’t fit, I’ll return you and pick one of him. Anyways, I winked at a couple of people, but nothing much happened.

I did see one guy though who I thought was pretty cute. My type. Tall, big boy with a great smile and a humorous profile. But, according to his profile, he wasn’t too interested in my age group. So, I made no attempt to wink. A couple days went by and I got an email from the site that I have a wink waiting. Hot dog! I go online and check it out and it’s him. Wow… super cool! So, I respond and we begin chatting and he is really funny. This IS fun! About a week goes by and I’m totally digging this guy. We’ll call him “Fetish Frank.” That'll be important in a minute.

We’re moving in the direction to make plans to meet when he drops a little bomb on me. He tells me that we HAVE to talk (kiss of death!) He says he thinks I’m beautiful and that he wants to be my little bitch and wants me to humiliate him. He then proceeds to list the ways he would like me to do that. Huh? WTF, man? Want to hear what he wanted me to do to him? Of course you do because this kind of weirdness doesn’t happen in real life, does it? Trust me, my friends. This IS my life. I am a freak magnet. Anyways, I digress. Here’s the list of what he wants me to do to him, and I quote:

"Spread jelly all over my body and make me lick it off myself."
(Really? I did mention he was a big boy, right? How much effing time does he think I have to accomplish this task? And where in the hell am I getting that much jelly? I’m not going to be responsible for the demise of that many grapes. I gotta get myself out of this jam!)

"Put make-up on me and make me dress up in a tutu and dance for you."
(Come on now. I’ve suffered through some shitty dance recitals in my life, but this is just too much!)

"Put a dog collar on me and make me get down on all fours and bark and lick your toes." (I have a dog and he doesn’t even do that for me. I’m certainly not asking a grown man to do that.)

So… after my shock and surprise wore off, I responded by telling him that although I do like to experiment, this was a little too nutty for me and I was too nice to do those things. He responded that he could not change who he was. Nor would I want him to. However, I did not need to be involved in all that. Wow. So, this is internet dating, huh? I couldn’t wait to see what else was going to crawl out to meet me.